Matty’s Magical Gospel Golf Spell

For When You Really Need a Miracle

A man named Simon lived there, who for some time had astounded the Samaritans with his magic. He claimed that he was someone great, and everyone in the city, from all classes of society, paid close attention to him. “He is that power of God known as ‘The Great Power,’” they said. They paid this attention to him because for such a long time he had astonished them with his magic. But when they believed Philip’s message about the good news of the Kingdom of God and about Jesus Christ, they were baptized, both men and women. Simon himself also believed; and after being baptized, he stayed close to Philip and was astounded when he saw the great wonders and miracles that were being performed.

(Acts 8:9-13) Good News Translation

A busybody Pastor once accused us (that’s me and the Holy spirit) of being Simon the Sorcerer. At the time we were offended and took it personally. Now we simply accept that we were recognized as having power.

The thing is, it’s not the power itself which is dangerous. The danger is in the intent of whoever it may be who’s wielding the power. Simon was condemned by Peter because he clearly had evil intent.

But Peter answered him, “May you and your money go to hell, for thinking that you can buy God’s gift with money! You have no part or share in our work, because your heart is not right in God’s sight. Repent, then, of this evil plan of yours, and pray to the Lord that he will forgive you for thinking such a thing as this. For I see that you are full of bitter envy and are a prisoner of sin.”

(Acts 8:20-23) Good News Translation

However, we don’t have evil intent. Our intent is to advance the Kingdom of Heaven. Our stated goal, which we’ve previously been told is our calling, is to start the end times revival and save a billion souls.

“I don’t know, sir. You do,” I answered. He said to me, “These are the people who have come safely through the terrible persecution. They have washed their robes and made them white with the blood of the Lamb.

(Revelation 7:14) Good News Translation

The Church, broadly speaking, will not cooperate. That’s fine, they’re operating within established parameters and being faithful to what they believe in. So we’re even. The conundrum is that Christians are expected to faithfully attend a local church. This being the case there are three passages of scripture to bear in mind when going to Church (denomination is, broadly speaking, irrelevant).

  • Hebrews 10:25
  • Malachi 3:10
  • Ecclesiastes 5:1-7

The Lord said, “These people claim to worship me, but their words are meaningless, and their hearts are somewhere else. Their religion is nothing but human rules and traditions, which they have simply memorized. So I will startle them with one unexpected blow after another. Those who are wise will turn out to be fools, and all their cleverness will be useless.”

(Isaiah 29:13-14) Good News Translation

And then there’s the fact that nobody’s going to believe that we’ve deduced a unified theory of everything from the Bible, so we’re just going to have to prove it. Desperate times require desperate measures.

Matty’s Magical Gospel Golf Spell

For when you really need a miracle
Compare to Copernicus’ 7 Assumptions (this is the counter-spell)

  1. Line up your club head with the pin
    • make any allowances you may need for weather
    • make all use of whatever advantage your equipment gives you
  2. Close your eyes
  3. open your eyes
    • behold the ball
    • figure out where you are in your breathing
    • as you hold the weight of the ball in your mind
      • inhale slowly and deeply through the nose
      • hold it
  4. turn your head and look at the pin
    • release your breath through your mouth
  5. imagine the pin extending all the way down to the center of the Earth
    • triangulate
      1. yourself
      2. the center of the Earth
      3. the pin
  6. imagine that you’re pinching a rubber band which is attached to the pin
    • simultaneously
      • inhale
      • as you begin the back swing
      • pulling back on the rubber band and bringing it to the ball
  7. imagine snapping the band on the back of your ball as you
    • release your breath through your mouth and
    • swing and hit the ball

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